Crying in Easy Pose
Introduction to using a daily yoga practice as a method for writing the memoir.
Artists Statement
This project draws on the life and work of the French artist and manifesto-writer Dora Maar. Although Maar is widely known as Pablo Picasso's muse and the inspiration for his "Weeping Woman" painting, there is much more to her than the artist may have seen. In contemplating her life and work, I was encouraged to experiment with photographing the female form before taking a cubist approach to the digital reconstruction of those images. Although Maar was known as a muse, as a memoirist, I am drawn to becoming my own muse and making art out of my adventures with self.
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Day 1. Shavasana
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Day 2. Downward Dog
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Day 3. Cat Stretch
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Day 4. Camel Pose
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Day 5. Breath of Fire
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Lotus
Yoga for Memoir Writing.
For many reasons, I began my journey with yoga in middle school, and from the ages of 12-14, I consistently worked on my yoga poses and breathwork. And although I became less consistent with the practice throughout the rest of my life, it was something that never left me entirely. I moved from a daily practice to a weekly, to occasional, and then weekly again.
Kundalini yoga, in particular, can be used to move creative energy through the body, and I find that it creates a flow, not only in practice but in writing. At the same time, kundalini was difficult because of my body’s memory of how good I was at yoga as a preteen. The frustration of being unable to do certain poses in my thirties had me in my feelings in more ways than one.
I experienced the same emotions regarding getting back into flow with my memoir writing. The struggle of recovering memories from the past as time goes by is similar to reclaiming a long-lost yoga practice.
Therefore, I share this segment of my life and memoir writing as a reflection of this practice and how moving through this practice also put me in touch with the memories and emotions I needed to work through my writing.
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Day 1. Shavasana
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Day 2. Downward Dog
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Day 3. Cat Stretch
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Day 4. Camel Pose
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Day 5. Breath of Fire
Day 1. Shavasana
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I like to do 30-40 Day Yoga Challenges because it keeps me accountable to my practice and gives me the opportunity to change up the positions and intentions that I am working on each month. Last month, I focused on Yoga for Mental Health, and this month, I am back to working through strength-based yoga. The main difference between the latter and the former is the length of the sessions and the intensity.
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And although I was not new to this particular challenge, having completed it almost a year ago, this time around feels different. I feel different. As I do my cat cows I get caught up in my memories, reflections on last year, and the last time I worked through this challenge. I was in such a place of confusion but also hope and possibility.
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Kundalini was a large part of that. Working through the breathing techniques and poses brought me into right relationship with my body and re-awakened my love for yoga and meditation. I loved everything about it, even dressing myself in cream and white monochromatic outfits every morning to match with the instructor.
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Now, I find myself in all black, and as I snap out of this reverie and get present, it’s time to open those hips, my least favorite part of the practice. I don’t remember this being a part of the series, and I can feel the tension in my legs and back. With each inhalation and exhalation, I move my arms and hands from my toes to the sky and back again. I feel comfortable in this part of the movement. The graceful flow brings me back to my dance practices, a short ballet on the ground. That is, until we are asked to bend forward, stretching our arms out and resting, hips stretched in a more meditative pose.
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This is where I started crying, and this is why I do yoga by myself. Alone and in solitude, I can lean into these moments of mourning. The moments when I can feel all the emotions moving through my body, begging to be released and transmuted, like so much kundalini energy always willing and ready to move up the spine.
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As we move out of hip openers into Shavasana, I continue to cry and feel the tears racking my entire body. I think, How am I supposed to meditate and relax feeling like this? I cannot, so I stay in this pose until I am done until I have released all that needs to come out before I chant my sat nam in lotus.
And I lay there past the point of the video ending, past the point of my allotted time for such grief in this corpse-like pose. Eventually, the tears subside, so I get up and start my day.
Day 2. Downward Dog
Today, I cried in downward dog. I have never cried in downward dog.
Who the hell cries during downward-facing dog?!?!?
At first, I blamed it on the bicep curls. In addition to my yoga practice, I have been very intentional about my strength training off the mat, and my arms have been feeling the strain. As the weight of my body leaned on my arms, they were shaking a little more than usual.
And while I tried to push through it, we held the pose longer than expected, longer than I could.
So, as the instructor held her downward dog and encouraged us to keep pushing through, I felt my entire body come crashing down into a child's pose and a new series of tears.
As I lay with my arms stretched across the floor and my head on the ground, my tears sinking into the carpet, I attempted to start again. But each time I pushed my body up, my arms would not stabilize; they just wobbled.
Dramaturge that I am, this only made me cry harder. I could feel the disappointment in my soul. Something about yoga, kundalini, in particular, brings up so much pain. The negative self-talk questions every time I don’t hold a position through. Every time that I have to modify or adjust. As we move into other poses, I can hear the voice starting, the egoic part of me.
“You’ve been doing downward dog since you were 12 years old, and now at 30, you can’t hold the pose?”
I try not to let it get me down. I try not to let it ruin the practice, but as I push through, I still cry. My mind runs through all the things I didn’t do
that I can’t do.
Even as I read this entry, I wonder why I always need to explain when I have difficulty holding a pose.
A large part of the reason that I do yoga is because of the testing. The testing of my need to be perfect, my wish to always do everything right. With that being said, each day offers me the opportunity to repeat my favorite refrain “Practice Makes Perfect.” The belief that one day I will be able to do every pose, every time. But perhaps that isn’t the point.
As I journal about the experience, I write an affirmation that the goal is not to be perfect but to practice.
Day 3. Cat Stretch
Today, I laughed, a loud roaring laugh,
like a lioness. I always love days when the movement flows fast. Each position generates so much heat in the body that I don’t have time to think about anything but keeping my pace and perfecting my form.
The best part is when I can feel the sockets of my eyes touch my knees. Each session teaches me more about which parts of my body fit into each other. The way my feet fit perfectly above my head, the sides of my palm fit perfectly into my sternum. Like every part of my body was made just for me.
Day 4. Camel Pose
This celery juice is not sitting right.
